Recently I had a few weeks off work, during which I started to feel quite a bit better about myself in terms of my personality and confidence levels. However, since going back I have found that I have been comparing myself to others quite a bit which is never a good thing.
For the longest time, I have always wanted to be a certain type of person and it has only been recently that I have actually started to actively do something about it. That being said, I have realised that changes I want to make can be classified into three different categories.
First of all, I cannot believe that my first Project Confidence post was 3 weeks ago! I honestly have no idea where all of that time as disappeared to, it’s a bit scary actually.
That being said, today I was struck with a pretty hefty job that made me wish I had started Project Confidence months ago. A few weeks ago, my boss arranged for me to be in today’s management meeting to discuss something I have been working on recently. I had completely forgotten about it until he reminded me a few hours beforehand. Since I knew what I was going to be discussing fairly well, I decided not to practise, instead deciding I would ‘wing it’. Ultimately, if someone asks you to speak about something you have created then you usually feel confident to do so, which is how I was feeling before the meeting.
My heart stuttered slightly when I set foot in the meeting room and I saw that instead of there being five managers (which is how many I had been led to believe would be attending), I was greeted by 9 managers. I was a little taken aback at first but as the meeting began, I relaxed and found that I wasn’t actually nervous. After all, I was just sitting with people.
And then the coordinator passed the meeting over to me.
I don’t know what I would class myself as; I wouldn’t say I’m a feminine girl but I also wouldn’t say I’m a tomboy. I’m not gawky but then I’m not dainty. I’m not refined but I’m not impolite. I am ME. And at the moment, I’m not OK with that.
As part of Project Confidence, I have been thinking a lot lately about who I am and who I want to be. While I have a rough idea of some of the characteristics that I want to display and some of the characteristics that I possess but want to abolish, I don’t have a clear idea in my head about who I want to be: I think that may come later as I learn more about myself. That being said, I definitely want to express my feminine side. However I face one major problem:
I was at work yesterday when two of my colleagues complimented my derriere. It was quite spontaneous but they both seemed impressed and said that it looked really good; one of them even asked if I did squats to achieve my physique (does once two weeks ago count?). It made me blush a little as I am not used to that sort of attention but I found that I quite liked the compliments I was receiving. I don’t particularly work out and while my boyfriend frequently tells me that my butt looks good, I find it hard to believe him – possibly because I think he is bias due to being in a relationship with me. However, when my colleagues said the same, I appreciated the comment from them more than from the person who loves me.
So, it made me think: why do we value the opinions of strangers more than the people who love us?
When I was seventeen, I had an interview for a university at which I had applied to study medicine. I don’t recall much about the interview or many of the things I spoke about with the interviewer but I will always remember one question she asked me: have you ever failed? Continue reading